Be Curious, Not Judgmental (#163)
In Season One of the show Ted Lasso, Ted plays a game of darts with Rupert Mannion, the former owner of AFC Richmond, the fictional soccer team that he coaches. The game is for high stakes — if Rupert wins he gets to pick the lineup for the team for the next two games; if Ted wins, Rupert has to stay away from the owner’s box and his ex-wife, Rebecca. During the game of darts, Coach Lasso utters one of the most memorable lines of the show:
Guys underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there. It said: ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ And I liked that. So I get back in my car and I’m driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All of them fellas that used to belittle me; not a single one of them were curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me…who I was had nothing to do with it. Cause if they were curious, they could’ve asked questions. You know? Questions like: ‘Have you played a lot of darts, Ted’ To which I would’ve answered: ‘Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age ten til I was 16 when he passed away.’
You can watch the whole scene here:
But the scene presents a larger question — as a leader, how do you become more curious? There are three techniques I’ve used to try to ask better questions: the Three Whys, TED Questions, and Open-ended questions.
The Three Why Technique
The Three Whys is precisely what you think it is--asking the question "Why?" three times to get to the real root of a question or problem. As many of you know, I am a big fan of making sure your team understands the why, or purpose, when given tasks to accomplish, as well as making sure they understand the bigger purpose or why when using the leader’s intent. (More on Leader’s Intent in Post #105).
"Why?" is an extremely simple question, but helps to dig a few layers deeper before doing important things. Whether it's creating a strategy to guide the company for several years, founding a new business, adding a new feature to a product, hiring a new employee, or having a tough conversation with a loved one it is important that everyone understands why we are doing it. And it takes a lot of work to make sure everyone is on the same page.
Here is an example of the Three Whys in action:
Problem – We didn’t send the invoice for the latest software updates on time.
Why didn’t we send the invoice on time? Quick Books wasn’t working so we couldn’t create the invoice.
Why wasn’t QuickBooks working? It had been installed but the data hadn’t been updated.
Why hadn’t the data been updated? We had to input all the data from 2020 and 2021 by hand and had only gotten to January 2021.
Use the Three Whys to dig deeper and understand the real root of what is going on.
TED Questions – (Tell, Explain, Describe)
When using probing questions, TED can become your best friend. TED stands for Tell, Explain and Describe. Like the Three Whys, they help to dig deeper and develop a more complete understanding of what is going on for both you and the person you are talk to.
Some examples of TED questions are:
Tell me, how will this decision affect you?
Tell me, has this happened before?
Tell me, what was your main motivation for calling?
Explain to me, how has this influenced…?
Explain to me, how and when did this problem start?
Explain to me, what obstacles did you have to overcome when you tried to…?
Describe how you felt about that when it happened?
Describe how it looks when we are finished?
Describe the perfect outcome of this project?
Use the TED Questions to uncover a deeper understanding of what is really going on.
Open Questions
An open question is a question that starts with “how”, “what”, “when”, “where”, “who” or “why” and cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” They help to get the conversation going and understand the other person better.
Here are some examples of open questions:
How has your relationship with your boss been over the last three months?
How do you see the company next year?
What is the purpose of this project?
Why did you choose that answer?
Use Open Questions to improve your curiosity and deepen your understanding of your team.
Conclusion
Liked this post? Want more? Then check out:
Leadership Lessons from John Wooden
Leadership Lessons from Ted Lasso, Season 1
If that doesn’t do it for you, then check out more ideas on how to improve yourself by using my book, Grow Your Grit, available for sale at Amazon. Or reach out to me here to start the discussion about how to use these lessons and others to help improve yourself or your team’s leadership or grit.
Go on the offense in 2021 and be curious, not judgmental. To do that, ask better questions to your team, your family, and your friends using either the Three Whys, TED Questions, or Open Ended Questions.